I once read a quote by Kathryn Hepburn regarding love that went something like this: “Love is when you care more for the happiness of the other person than you do for your own.” She spent her life loving a man, Spencer Tracy, who was married and could not be with her all the time. She chose the situation as it was and spent her life loving one person whom she saw when she could. It was a love of sacrifice and for her, it was enough.
There are endless songs and poems that try to define love and symbols of love can be found in every language and culture throughout the world. I’ve never found one that quite sums it up for me. Words often seem inadequate to express the way I feel towards those I love the most which is why I was inspired to write about it this month.
Do you see the guy in the picture? That is my husband Robert and this month my husband and I celebrated 16 years of marriage and 20 years together. It truly doesn’t seem that long and yet when I think back to everything we’ve been through 20 years doesn’t seem long enough. I didn’t start out with expectations of marriage and relationships. I was directed and focused and didn’t leave too much room for anything else. And while I am an open person when it comes to details of my life, I’ve always been more private in regards to my relationship. I’m shy when it comes to public displays of affection and we didn’t have a big wedding with lots of people so I didn’t utter my vows in front of anyone except Robert, the official who married us and my stepson who was 12 at the time. Even then, I could barely get the words out. It’s a vulnerable place for me, and, as I mentioned earlier, there just aren’t words to describe it.
So I dedicate this post to the love of my life and I thought I’d use it as a chance to share what I’ve discovered about what it takes to make a relationship great.
1. Never take the other person for granted. About five years ago, Robert took a job out of the state we lived in and began commuting during the week. At first it was difficult on all of us. The kids missed their dad; I missed his presence so much I physically ached. The weekends were short and stressful as we all prepared ourselves for another week. It wasn’t just the big things either; it was all of the little things like taking out the garbage and helping clean up from dinner or just talking at the end of the day. We spoke on the phone but it wasn’t the same. As painful as it was, so many good things came out of that experience, but the biggest thing was, I never take Robert for granted now. It has us relate to each other in a more powerful way.
2. It’s the little things that count. I recently read of 2 people who leave love notes around for the other person to find. I liked that idea, but then I thought about how the thoughtful things like bringing me a cup of coffee in the morning when I don’t have to get up or picking something up for me because he knows I like it are such acts of love. It might not be a note in words, but it still leaves me with a warm tender feeling inside. Those tiny acts of kindness leave a big impression.
3. Give the other person space to breathe. One thing I’ve always appreciated about Robert is that he recognized my need to be independent and he gave me space. We don’t have separate rooms, however for years I wanted my own room and when we moved to the house we live in now, he built me an office. It’s not just that- there are simply times when I need space, there is no other way to say it and Robert makes room for that. The same is true for him; I know it’s not personal it’s just space. We don’t always have to do everything together and that’s good because we don’t always like the same things. For instance, Robert dislikes crowds. Any event with too many people sends him over the edge so now I make plans without him and we’re both ok with that.
Many years ago I cleaned a house of a couple who had been married for several years. I asked them what the key to a long marriage was and they said it was having separate bathrooms. I’ve never forgotten that.
4. There is no such thing as forever. Every relationship goes through stages and I believe that we reclaim and recommit over and over- it doesn’t stop just because 16 years ago we signed a legal document that said we were married. Really all marriage did was saved us some money on taxes and made certain legalities easier. The claiming of our relationship and choosing to be in it is something that occurs over and over again. It makes our relationship something we want to be in and even as we both grow and change, we reclaim our love for each other and make a commitment to continue on this path together. We may not say it out loud always but the energy is there. Each time we commit, it’s to a deeper place. That’s the part that takes my breath away and it’s also the part that surprises me the most. It requires faith, courage, and vulnerability to stay there.
5. Letting go of Expectations. Are there things about my spouse that make me crazy? Of course there are. Many years ago I made a choice to embrace all that I loved about Robert with all that made me crazy about him- recognizing that parts of what I loved about him, his fierce courage and loyalty for example, also could be edgy and overwhelming at times. I let go of the expectations that he would change and chose to accept and embrace him as he is- asking for the same in return because I’m not perfect either and I know what it takes for him to accept me. I feel this is something we’ve both done and as a result, we have less conflict now around those issues than we used to. This could have only happened over time and it isn’t always easy. Just like reclaiming occurs over and over, so does letting go sometimes. With that said, I cannot imagine going through this life without him.